overdrawing | I need time to replace what I gave away and my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small [Caleb]

I need time to replace what I gave away and my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small [Caleb]

After two years, the shift is easy. It's a simple matter of wanting to be, stepping into the water. The transformation is more fluid that it was in those early days; in the space of a breath there's a sea otter instead of a man. His eyes are bright and human and his thoughts are his own but Gabe always feels more liberated in this shape.

His siren form used to terrify him but now Gabe sees it as a gift. It's proof that the world isn't what the Bible told him, bigger than his parents let him believed. He's part of something ancient and magical and it comes from inside him rather than any contracts with the devil. It's like being gay, just a part of him and not inherently flawed. It's easier to believe both in these shape.

So he leaves his clothes and his fears in the sand and swims.

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He doesn't know what to say, how to take that, and so the truth comes out. "Figured I deserved it," he says and shrugs like it doesn't burn through him, how much he's missed Caleb. It's not like he hasn't run before and Caleb probably had better reasons to leave than Gabe had.

Caleb just stares at Gabe. He hadn't expected that. He thought Gabe might be angry, that he might refuse to listen. But to take the blame? He doesn't understand, they hadn't been in a bad place before Caleb left. At least, he doesn't think so.

"Why?" he asks, eyebrows drawn up in confusion.

"Because I left." Gabe says it to the sand beneath them instead of to Caleb. The ocean sings behind him, promising a place where Caleb can't follow. He stuffs his hands into his hoodie pocket to hide them shaking.

He looks back up at Caleb for a half-second before flicking his eyes back down. "What are you doing here."

But Caleb had already forgiven that. He hadn't held that against Gabe. They weren't even together, then. They'd been together, but only for a night. Not like where he left Gabe.

"I said I'd come back," Caleb says, wishing Gabe would just look at him. "I wanted to apologize, and explain, and..." He reaches out, he can't help himself, and touches Gabe's jaw so he'll look up. "I wanted to see you again."

Gabe's gotten more used to intimate touch, with occasionally kissing other boys or cuddling up on the couch with Mira. This is different. This is Caleb and he'd been gone for a year. His heart speeds up and he steps back, looks away.

"It's been a year, Caleb."

Caleb should have expected that. He knew, coming here after so long, that Gabe wasn't going to just welcome him back with open arms. What he didn't expect was how bad he still aches for Gabe. He missed him, but having him right here in front of him is bringing everything to the surface.

"Can we go somewhere so I can tell you what happened? Please?"

He doesn't know. Gabe stands there, still feeling the tug of the water behind him. This is, without doubt, his territory and they both know that. They can't have forgotten it. Gabe doesn't know if he should cede his ground but there's something about Caleb that looks so tightly drawn that Gabe lets out a breath.

"Okay. Quill's open."

Caleb lets out a small sigh of relief and nods, crossing and uncrossing his arms nervously. "Thank you," he says softly, and waits for Gabe to move before walking alongside him up the beach.

"How have you been?" he asks haltingly as they walk, after a long moment of silence. "Are you...do you still live in the apartment?"

He makes sure not to call it theirs.

"Yes," Gabe says, not providing more as e walks up the beach. Too many emotions riot through him and Gabe settles on numb blankness. Mira told him once that was called disassociating and Gabe is trying to ignore the fact that it's not a good thing.

"I'm fine."

"I'm sorry for leaving you with the rent."

Whether Gabe is fine or not, he clearly isn't going to share any of it with Caleb, but Caleb doesn't push no matter how desperate he is for any information. He keeps his hands in his pockets, staring ahead as they walk, hoping Gabe will be more open to talking once they get to the Quill.

Gabe shrugs. They manage. He works, he attends the community college, one class at a time. There's not much more he needs, or so he likes to tell himself.

The walk to Quill stretches for hours and scant seconds at the same time and he's still swirling with confusion when he sees its door.

Caleb watches the ground for most of the walk, quiet. Everything he needs to say should wait until they can sit together. He wishes they were going somewhere more private, but this will have to be enough.

When they reach the Quill, Caleb holds the door open for Gabe. "After you."

He's a little proud of himself for not objecting, not shrinking the way he might have, once. He doesn't say anything at all, not until they're led to a booth and cups of coffee are poured automatically for them.

Now that they're surrounded by the smell of food, Gabe's stomach growls and he tries to pretend no one can hear it.

He looks at Caleb. Waits.

Caleb hears. With his heightened senses, he can't tell if he would normally have heard it or not, but either way he motions the waitress over and orders them some pie. She brings them each a slice, and then it's just the two of them, and more silence.

"Have you ever...heard of a werewolf?" Caleb asks, and cringes at his own question and how stupid it sounds. "In movies, or something?"

The expression on Gabe's face veers very close to a deadpan then, hunger temporarily forgotten. "Of course I've heard of them. They moved in down the street." It comes out a little too sharp because Gabe thinks that Caleb should know this. It'd happened just before he left.

"Oh. Okay." Caleb actually didn't know that, but maybe he should have realized. It wasn't just a freak attack after all. There's a whole pack, and it sounds like they're still here. Caleb's mind races, but he tries to reel it in to keep talking to Gabe.

"So. I got bit," Caleb says slowly, looking down at his pie. "It was...bad." He looks up, lowering his voice. "It turned me into one of them. A monster. I couldn't stay, I couldn't put you in danger, Gabe."

Gabe's breath flows out of him and leaves him feeling like the wind got knocked out. "Oh."

It explains a lot. Gabe wonders now if he'd been too stupid to make the connection: werewolves show up, Caleb leaves. It's not a deliberate, careful reveal the way that Gabe's had been but he knows how much it costs Caleb.

And that's why he's trying so hard not to be angry, not to be hurt. "We could have helped."

Caleb shakes his head, folding his arms on the table and leaning forward, finally looking up. "You don't understand-- you can't. The way I felt, the things I wanted to do..."

He sits back, curling in on himself a little, memories clamoring for attention as he tries to push them down. He shakes his head again. "You wouldn't have been safe," he finally says. "I didn't know what was going on. I didn't know what I was until later."

Caleb is quiet for a long moment, sharing out the cafe window. "You wouldn't have known what to do."

Gabe looks up at him again, mouth twisting a little. "I think I'd have had some idea," he says. It isn't angry, just lost, confused. A little hurt. Gabe knows he doesn't deserve to feel any of that, not after what he'd done.

"I never told you, because I didn't want to scare you, but when I found out what I was...it's because I sleepwalked off a pier. I almost drowned." It's a heavy admission and it feels a little selfish to talk about himself but he understands what it is to be scared too.

"I just wish..." What does he even say? What can he even be allowed to want?

Caleb's hands curl into fists where they're resting on his jeans under the table. He wishes Gabe would have told him that, if for any other reason than just so he would have known at a time when he'd have been in a better state of mind to react and comfort him. Now, his mind is like a scatter shock of thoughts and he doesn't know how to collect them.

"That's terrible, Gabe," he says quietly. "But I could have hurt you. I could have bitten you, or mauled you. I wasn't going to bring violence to you."

His reasons for running are better than Gabe's, he can agree with that, but mostly Gabe thinks that by now he must deserve it. It still hurts.

He can say he wishes Caleb had trusted him more but how can he ask that when Gabe had barely trusted him when in his shoes.

"Are...are you okay?" he asks at last. It should have been the first question.

Caleb nods and deflates a little, shoulders drooping as he sits a little lower in the booth. He wants to be glad, or at least relieved, that Gabe still cares enough to ask if he's okay, but he can't be rid of his guilt that easily. "That's why I came back," he says quietly. "I think I finally have control over it, as much as I can."

"I met someone, another wolf. His name is Val, he helped me figure it out."

Gabe watches him shrink and feels miserable for it. Not so long ago, he'd been the one who sat like this, shoulders hunched, constantly distraught. He wonders how exhausted Caleb must be from the effort of keeping himself steady enough for even this.

"Are you back? For real?"

Caleb is quiet at first, staring down at the table and wondering how to answer. It should be up to Gabe, this was always his place. And even with what he is, and knowing that at least in Siren's Cove people are used to strange things, he didn't come back for the place.

"I want to be," he says quietly, looking up at Gabe.

"We've missed you."

Gabe looks at Caleb, specifically at his hands. He wants to take them, to hold them, but it's been a year and maybe Caleb doesn't want anything to do with him, at least not in that way. Maybe Caleb doesn't care how much Gabe's heart had broken, was still broken. Maybe even without the werewolf thing, he had wanted to end it.

Sighing out, Gabe occupies his hands with the mug of coffee.

"I missed you."

Caleb had wondered about Mira, too, but he's a little afraid to see her now after leaving Gabe behind like that. She's probably monumentally pissed off at him. But he can't worry just yet, not while he's here with Gabe, just a few feet away.

"I missed you, too," he says. "So much. That's why I came back. I just needed to make sure I was safe."

He still isn't sure, sometimes, but he doesn't think time will improve him anymore past the point he's reached.

It squeezes at his chest a little, being able to know at least that much. Taking a breath, he risks looking up at Caleb's face, hoping to find the right thing to say in his eyes.

"So what do you want to do now? How...how do I help?"

Caleb shakes his head a little. He doesn't want Gabe to think he only came back for that, or that there's something expected of him. It wouldn't be fair to leave and come back asking for favors. "You don't need to help, I just." There's a long pause as he tries to figure out what he wants to say. In the end, it's a simple, "I just wanted to see you."

It shouldn't give him hope but Gabe feels the little spark in his chest anyway. He still tries to be careful with what he says, tries not to say something that will hurt them both.

But what comes out instead is a little too eager and too honest. "You...you missed me?"

Caleb ducks his head, smiling a little. "Yeah. Of course." He pulls a sugar packet from the container on the table to have something to keep his hands busy, folding the edges and straightening them, glancing at Gabe. He doesn't want to come on too strong, but he can't help admitting, "I missed you, like...every day."

His heart flutters, even though Gabe tries to tell himself not to hope. It's harder than he expects, despite a lifetime of not being allowed to. Two years ago, he'd come to Siren Cove and found Caleb again and learned to hope, and now he can't stop, even if it could hurt him.

"I missed you like crazy," he says.

Caleb smiles down at the table, wondering if he has the right to be so happy to hear something like that. He wasn't sure what he was coming back to, if Gabe would hate him, if he wouldn't even hear him out. He wouldn't blame him, either, but Caleb's heart beats a little faster to hear he was missed.

He glances up. "I should have called, or...something. I'd like to stay. I'd like to make it up to you, if you'll let me try."

Gabe isn't sure what to say. It isn't okay that he didn't call but it's okay because he was going through a lot of difficult things? How do they find their footing again? Maybe Caleb doesn't feel that way anymore, even if he missed him too.

"I'll have to call Mira," he says. "Let her know you're in town." And ask if she's okay with him staying.

"Do you live with her?" Caleb asks, knowing a lot could have happened over the course of a year. He's kind of more scared to face Mira, because she's probably going to tear him a new one over leaving Gabe like that. But he thinks Gabe's sad looks are worse than any anger.

Gabe nods. "Same place." They'd had to struggle a little with the rent but they'd made it work. Mira was a big sister to him now, though not in the way he regarded his biological sisters. They had been tutors and disciplinarians, sometimes playmates. Mira's a protective big sister, the kind who'll fight for him.

It's a strange concept.

"Do you want me to talk to her?"

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I need time to replace what I gave away and my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small [Caleb]

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