There is no sweeter innocence than our gentle sin [Closed to Caleb, Pre-Dated 8/23/15]

[overdrawing]

When there is nothing else, there is work. After falling into the ocean, Gabe has stopped sleepwalking but that's the least of his problems now. Everything feels like a punishment, even when he wishes he could feel safe. The ocean is half a place of comfort and also a void of mystery. He doesn't know if accepting that he is a siren means he'll have mastered his nature or succumbed to it.

But at least there's work. There are still plates and glasses to wash, counters to wipe down, his hands blistered ad aching. He knows split knuckles and dishpan hands, the endless reel of work that propels him on beyond his own confused thoughts.

It's where Sunday finds him. Not at church or taking a day of rest. At work, at the bar. Sometimes he thinks the bartenders hear more confessions than any priests in town.

Comments

[freefromsin]

Caleb glances up, a look of derision lining his face, accompanied by a soft snort of disgust.

"Fuck God, Gabe. Don't you get it? They were brainwashing us," he says, pushing off the wall with his foot, bitterness lacing every syllable.

[overdrawing]

There's a yard of space between them, but Gabe still flinches as if he'd been struck. Caleb's anger isn't aimed at him but Gabe still fears it.

"Brainwashing?" he echoes faintly, trying to understand what Caleb means. "Who is they?" Even though he asks it, Gabe knows what Caleb means. Who Caleb means. And Gabe has a hard time believing it. What his parents did couldn't really be brainwashing.

[freefromsin]

"Our parents. The church. Society," Caleb says, throwing his hands up in frustration. "Read a book, Gabe, seriously." He moves away from the side of the building entirely, coming to stand in front of Gabe to make sure he's listening. "There's a reason why our parents kept us at home like that, cut off from the world-- and it wasn't for our benefit. Now that you're out here, can't you see it?"

[overdrawing]

"It was supposed to protect us." He know the protest is weak but Caleb's raised voice leaves him nervous and uncertain, his own hands in front of his chest like it might rescue him from violence.

"I already know I can never go back there. Not with who I am. What I am."

[freefromsin]

"But it didn't protect us, it just made us hate ourselves. That's not right," Caleb says, his voice verging on pleading. He needs Gabe to understand. He wants to tear Gabe's hands away, tear his chest away and expose his heart to the truth. "Whoever you are, Gabe, whatever you are? Is perfect. Fuck them for thinking otherwise."

[overdrawing]

He's not perfect, not at all. Gabe knows what he really is, which is flawed and broken and no longer completely human. But how can he even explain that to Caleb? Everything he knows about God and humanity is pointless when he no longer its in with the latter.

"Please don't swear," he says instead, voice soft.

[freefromsin]

Caleb looks skyward and lets out a sigh of frustration. "They're just words," he mumbles, returning his gaze to the ground. He begins to pace, like he has all this bottled up energy he doesn't know what to do with.

"Just forget it, believe what you want. I'm supposed to go to Portland. I just wanted to see that you were okay."

[overdrawing]

"What's in Portland?" he asks even though it's not really his business. Caleb doesn't owe him anything after what Gabe's put him through and he has no right to concern when Caleb's obviously facing the "real world" far better than he is.

[freefromsin]

"This guy I know has an older brother who owns a construction company in Portland. I'm broke, and I've basically exhausted all my...uh, housing options back home. So. I'm going to get a job doing whatever guys do at a construction company."

Benny had promised him it was stuff that he'd be able to learn, no problem. Truthfully, Caleb had mostly just wanted to get out of Pennsylvania. It's not like he can see his brothers and sisters anymore, so what else is there? Just a longing for a family he couldn't have, and bad memories.

[overdrawing]

Gabe frowns minutely, mind suddenly suggesting several terrible possibilities that might befall Caleb as he tries to get there. Or once he gets there. Or on the job. "Is that safe?"

As if that matters when someone is desperate. Gabe can hardly make a comment, not when he works for cash because he's afraid of his parents finding him through pay stubs.

"Are you going to stay here first?"

[freefromsin]

"I don't know, honestly," Caleb quietly admits. "Maybe just doing demo or putting floors in or something." It's not something he's super eager to do, but he doesn't have a ton of options.

"I...hadn't planned on it. I think he's expecting me soon," he doesn't look at Gabe when he says it, absently rubbing the knuckles of his left hand with his thumb.

[overdrawing]

He nods, because he can understand the impulse to leave. It had overtaken him, after all. That doesn't necessarily make it easy. "I didn't think anyone would come looking for me," he admits. "Not if my parents found out what I did. They wouldn't want me anymore."

Maybe it doesn't matter to Caleb, but it matters to him.

[freefromsin]

"Do you want your parents to come looking for you?" Caleb asks, glancing over at him. It's not like he knows Gabe's parents beyond his father's furious yelling, and his mother's scared expression. "They were worried about you, for what it's worth. When I saw them."

[overdrawing]

"What good would it do?" Gabe asks. "If they find out how I've been living and what I am, they won't want me back. If they know why I left, they still won't want me back either." There's no winning in that situation. All there is left to do is to go forward.

"There's not much of a point."

[freefromsin]

"I'm sorry," Caleb says quietly. He feels responsible. It feels like this is his fault. He kissed Gabe first, at the time he hadn't known it would go as far as it did, but he still had wanted something to happen. And anyway, in their world, a kiss was bad enough.

"You probably have to get back to work," he finally says, shoving his hands in his pockets. "I'll let you get back to it."

[overdrawing]

Gabe nods, chewing on his lip a little bit. "I do but...I get off at ten." He looks somewhere between penitent and hopeful and he finds himself troubled by the idea that Caleb might be so near but also very far away.

"If you want."

[freefromsin]

Caleb looks over at Gabe, not even bothering to hide his surprise. "You want to see me again?" he blurts out, quiet, but a little disbelieving. He was pretty sure Gabe would be glad to be rid of him.

[overdrawing]

"You're my friend. Or you were," Gabe says. His ability to maintain eye contact gives out and he glances down, thumbnail pressing against his teeth. "I'm surprised you wanted to see me."

[freefromsin]

"You're my friend," Caleb echoes. "I didn't know what had happened to you..."

Also, there's the matter of what he won't say: that that night at the hotel meant a lot to him. He can guess from Gabe's reaction that it probably falls under the Regret category, that thing that was nice at the time but overall probably should have never happened. But for Caleb, despite how tangled everything had gotten, it was a different story.

"Okay. I'll see you at ten."